Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
