don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
