i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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