I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
