i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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