Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
