Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
