I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Shame is for Republicans.
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