If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
