I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
