I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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