Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
