Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
