it was like his penis was on wheels.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
