Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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