I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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