24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
did i walk over a car last night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
