Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
