OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
