You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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