I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
