Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
