dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
