I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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