i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
