Yo dont text me then not text me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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