Don't make out with my wife yet
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
zippers are such a cool invention
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
