Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
