Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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