as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
