Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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