just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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