I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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