I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
