if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
