new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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