Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
