you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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