Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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