I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
