There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
