New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
