I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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