i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
