If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
