how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
