i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
