I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
COCAINE IS GR8
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
