The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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