So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
