You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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