what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
