Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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