Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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