you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
