I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
